The journey of what I’ve deepened and expanded into, challenged within, committed to, grown through, accepted, allowed, questioned, revealed, answered, and healed over the past year felt as if it was coming to a head in early March when I was set to head back down to Florida to share time with friends and family that I haven’t seen in at least 5 years.
In a time of upheaval with just about everything being exposed - global unrest, riots, pandemic, political divisiveness, racial tension, gender inequality, human trafficking, our personal liberties at stake and rather than serve and protect it is fear and neglect… it feels as if the same energetic expression that’s kicking up the muck throughout is calling me to remember the essence of who I am and why I am here at the most subtlest of levels.
The trip to Florida was the dose of medicine needed to remind me of my journey through life. Part of the whole ‘surrender. remember.’ Journey was to go back to my roots… to remember and feel the energy of what influenced me.
Every period of my life, from birth to now, was present with the most influential living persons being an intimate part of my 10 day stay between Orlando/Tampa/Ft Myers/Ft Lauderdale.
From the moment I got on the plane I knew this time would be special.
My mother has always been the one consistent source of stability in my life. There’s never been a moment where I didn’t feel fully supported and encouraged to pursue my lofty vision of a more sustainable and harmonious world. Not once did she ever make me feel crazy for my ideals, tell me that it can’t be done, place doubt or project her fears upon me… quite the opposite. Though, this time carried a different energy.
Our conversations went deeper than they ever have as we navigated stories of our past, present and future… and we both recognized, remembered and released… we felt into the potency of choice, our personal power, our voice, integrity, grace, deeper listening, presence, commitment, inspiration, value, self worth, purpose… and our shadows and where the potential is to get caught in the loop of redundancy. We dialed into generational patterning that no longer serves us. We brought to the surface what holds us back and spoke to how we can support each other in shifting course in alignment with what we wish to experience. There is so much healing available when we set aside our ego, our defenses and remember that we are in this together. When we hold each other’s heart with integrity and grace, we allow for the wisdom that is always available to present itself. Thank you, Mom, for your willingness to go where most would not. Thank you for your consistent determination to be healthy not only physically… though, your openness to be the best version of your self in your wisdom years and your passionate purpose to be of service to others on their own journey of self-discovery.
Our elders have messages if we listen. Sometimes those messages aren’t even spoken, though every word lands. With restrictions of visitation, I could only see my Grandmother through the fence at her facility. Though, the time we shared was what anchored and crystallized the remembering in my heart and the unseen. While she’s late stage Alzheimer’s, it may have been the most connected I’ve been with her. The wordless conversation we had and her acknowledgment of it when she said… “You’re doing a good job.” Spoke directly to my heart. Being a musician, singer, seamstress, actress, incredible cook, all around creative soul… I felt her. Heard every silent whisper spoken to my soul. My heart, my purpose… thank you. The tears watered a tender garden.
Though, that’s just the surface…
Surrendering to my vulnerabilities compelled me to explore the depths of my life and dial into the secrets and shadows of everything. It’s as if I felt forced to confront my Self. There truly was no other choice. I had to find a solution for the unresolved anger, unworthiness, not good enough, who and what I needed to forgive, the list goes on… What’s the source?
One year ago, I consciously - and unconsciously - made choices that I knew would radiate shockwaves throughout everything in my existence on every level and was aware of the potential consequences that may result. With risk comes reward, right?
With so much bubbling within, I was a ball of tension bursting at the seams ready to become unwound in any moment.
I was testing and pushing everything - my family, my partner, my job, my health…
I recognized my struggle wasn’t with anyone or anything - it was my own struggle with unresolved, unhealthy attachments and expectations.
I will never forget the moment when I recognized that I need to listen to and trust what my body was saying; more importantly, remember to feel how my nervous system responds or reacts in moments of heightened emotion. It’s always fascinating when the work we share and offer for others ends up being reflected in our personal life. Practice, practice, practice, refinement, alignment, integrity, grace, remember…
In a way, I had become a stranger to my Self. Rather, it was a version of my Self that had yet to express itself with such… conviction.
I remember my 17-18 year old self saying, “I will never sacrifice my ideals for an imposed reality.” In staunch response to one of my elders telling me that the way I see the world is… for lack of memory… a fantasy.
I’ve owned my idealism so much that it has gotten in the way of my dreams and my reality. My attachment to my vision and strong sense of self preservation has impacted everything I’ve ever loved. I’ve come to understand that this derives from feeling that others don’t see me for who I really am, trust the depth of my love and feeling as if I have to live up the highest version of my Self.
Living up to my own expectations was challenging enough. I was on course to be a professional tennis player at a young age as I was sponsored by Wilson at 11 years old. I had opportunity after opportunity to step into the spotlight in the music industry. Though, when the call came in from the Big Leagues, I put on my cape and went back into the lab hiding from being noticed… again. On several occasions I elevated the professional ladder implementing nationwide and global training systems on human relations, though shunned or perhaps intentionally sabotaged moving into the upper echelons of organized, trickle down operations. I’ve been in the same ring as those I looked up to, yet always played small and even withheld from rising in the moment, I put in the effort. I worked too hard. I tried too much. I was never enough. I wasn’t worthy of the company I shared. Inside I felt like an outsider. The journey’s always been so much more rewarding than the destination for me. And in that, I recognized a pattern of self sabotage. I became the victim of my own creation. Wait… don’t I always talk about… It All Begins with Me? Yes. Here we grow, again.
It wasn’t the stuff… the trophy… the praise… the acknowledgment… the love…
The ordinary doesn’t appeal to me. The pressure to conform, perform or met a set of expectations jolts my nervous system and conjures memories of not being good enough, unworthiness and unresolved anger. There’s a fine line between selfish entitlement and the healthy ego. I’ve been cautious about stepping into my power in fear of being judged or perceived as selfish and arrogant or… whom am I to think that I deserve to be a leader. I’ve always felt like I was meant to be a leader, though the only ones that resonated were found in books and movies.
When I do express this side of me, it may come off as too aggressive or forced… the people pleasing storyline rears its unhealthy presence, as well. It feels that if I truly embrace my power and authentic self, others will be hurt simply by me being me. Well, shhhh that doesn’t feel good one bit. Ahhh… there’s something to work with. I see you… ummm, me.
On the same token, one of things I value and appreciate is my capacity to connect deeply and quickly with just about anyone, anywhere…. To love another so deeply, unconditionally in the moment so that time ceases to exist. To see the inherent good… to see and feel the maximum potential in everyone… the soul… creates such a bond when we surrender our fears and indoctrinated beliefs… and see beyond the human experience. This is what I love about living. The magic of connection. The road less traveled. The journey to the essence of who new are at a soul level. There’s so much to learn from one another…
Including healthy boundaries.
Witnessing how lack of boundaries has the potential to invite the undesirable had me evaluate how I engage in all my relations. (Feeling into how my nervous system responds or reacts)
The most potent lessons are ones we’ve committed our life to transmuting. As I share with my children, our words can be medicine or poison. Over the past year, I have observed my words to the point of where every conversation was a laboratory of self discovery through vibratory expression - in other words, an experiment in how what we say and how we say it impacts our reality. What story was I telling? What reality was I creating? What was I speaking into existence? Was I being true? Were my words resonant with my actions?
Being more consciously aware of the potency of my voice has been the greatest gift this past year has offered. This is the fundamental offering that I share with my clients in my work - our voice is the most potent healing instrument we have within our toolkit. Our voice is our creative identity and how we use it sets out a wave of energy that reverberates throughout not only our body… our entire collective experience. What are we speaking into existence?
Integrating these intense energies, noticings, observations and directing them towards my purpose is what is being and has always been called forward. Being aligned in harmony. Mind. Body. Spirit. Sound.
Why do I share all of this?
To remember to delve deep into what makes us feel alive.
Our greatest potential lies in the courage to journey within.
When liberation from our own mental prison becomes a priority, our heart softens and our vision becomes crystal clear. Boundaries dissolve as we are firm in our resolve. We embrace our personal power and initiate inspired action. We remember who we are.
I’ve made a life out of this journey of self discovery and a breath to breath practice of setting it in motion.
There are moments in our life that forever imprint their wisdom and impregnate our souls with the necessary information necessary to initiate action that leads us to our Soul’s yes. This is what I am in service to. This is what I have said yes to. This is what lights me up. This is what moves me, soothes me and grooves me. This is what breathes through me. This is what inspires my human experience. This is what I live for. Harmony.- within and throughout.
If you feel called to be the best version of your self and deepen into your journey of self discovery to maximize your Soul potential and amplify your natural vibrancy, message me and let’s tune in and set the journey in motion.
Thank you for sharing in this journey from the depths of my being.
You are loved and supported… even when you think you are not.